Remind me again: Why is April the cruelest month?

I am so old that I never got a participation trophy.

On radio or TV, the news host interviews someone, and at the conclusion of the segment, the host says, “Thank you” to the interviewee. That guest invariably replies, “Thank you.” Whatever happened to “You’re welcome”?

Why was it that a certain kind of male was described as a pansy? Why not a daisy? Or even better, sweet william?

People seem so proud of themselves when they know the meaning of “defenestration.” But how many of them know the word for the act of throwing someone off a roof?

The TV listing said volleyball was on. I was disappointed when I found out it was men’s volleyball.

Do you see the irony in the fact that gun sales have slumped since the last election with industry analysts asserting that it is because a Republican is president. If you want fewer guns in society, you apparently should vote against the candidate who favors fewer guns in society.

Sometimes when I watch The History Channel I wonder what I would have to study to become an ancient alien theorist. I am guessing the studies would not include methods for testing my theories.

The only time I have been in one was in Baltimore while on a tour of baseball stadiums as a guest of a minister friend. He insisted he wanted to go to his first “Hooters.”

“After all, she was a Catholic and her whole life was invested in death.” Robert Wilson, Instrument of Darkness.

Does it bother you that Barclays of the bank and center and sporting events fame does not have an apostrophe?

Why is it that some jokes are painful if told by the comedian but make me laugh when told by the ventriloquist’s dummy?

When I complained about how long mine was lasting, the friend said that there was a New England saying: A cold lasts fourteen days unless you are lucky and it lasts only two weeks.

Does it bother you, as it bothers me, when you hear, “She graduated NYU.” I want to scream, “She graduated from NYU.” But isn’t my priggishness misplaced if the correct formulation once was, “NYU graduated her”?

We once had the Secretary and Department of War. Now we have a Secretary and Department of Defense. Which is the more accurate formulation?

The doctor’s assistant taking my health history got to that now routine question about sexuality.  She said, “If you had to have sex, would it be with the opposite sex, the same, or both?” If I had to have sex.  My mind went through my sexual history. The last time someone held a gun to my head and said, “Have sex or else,” my performance must have been so inadequate that I can’t remember it.

I walked by the Ample Hills creamery and remembered back to when I wondered about the name. Not coming up with anything else, I decided that it sounded like a reference to breasts. Later I was reading a poem and saw the phrase and understood why the ice cream was “Ample Hills.” I was somewhat embarrassed for myself.

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